tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44339486030871475892024-03-20T04:48:33.431-07:00Drama Lama BarbecueLamas on the barbie. Drama and Trauma are being dealt with. Pull up some potato salad and grab the sauce I have a heard to cook.preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-60267889314616133872013-03-12T09:48:00.005-07:002013-03-12T10:10:30.467-07:00Boundaries , games and being the Asshole<br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">We know the game. We have all played it as kids. “he followed me home can I keep him”? “ You said I could when I was older and that was a month ago”. Emotional manipulation comes to us at an early age. It is one of the first “tools” of interpersonal negotiations we learn, however negative and bad it may actually be. The innocent emotional manipulations develop into peer pressure and even coercion. “ All the others are doing it .... don’t be a chicken” or “come on baby if you love me you’ll do it” Somewhere along the line we should be taught either consciously or by hard life lessons that this kind of manipulation is destructive and wrong. This is not however always the case. In fact some parents pattern it to their offspring as a way of survival and advantage in life. It becomes ingrained. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The goal of this kind of manipulation is of corse to get what ever it is they are wanting / needing. What it does is trample over a very important boundary. The right and ability to say “no” to any request. All persons have the right to say no to ANYTHING as long as they are wiling to accept the consequences. Saying no to an authority has real consequence. telling a judge, or police officer is likely to get harsh consequences. Im most cases however, telling a person no should carry no fear or consequence. Sure, telling a child no has only the consequence of an angry, disappointed or fit throwing child, but that is part of the parenting job. Real adults have the right and privilege to say “no” with out fear of loosing their partner or dealing with anger or derision or score. But that is what the emotional manipulation depends on, playing the Asshole card. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Playing the Asshole is a time “honored” game in which one person places the other in the position of being or feeling like an Asshole. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">“Oh can you get this ...I got lunch last time” ( some how subway doesn't compare to stake and lobster but fearing being the ungrateful Asshole) “ Yea, sure” </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">playing the Asshole is a way of covertly defying boundaries of another. It is manipulation and so not ok. “ He/ She made me the Asshole and violated my trust” </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">TIME TO EAT THE LAMMA<br />
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If you pick up the ball and play the Asshole game, you violated your own boundary. I’ll say this plainly . BE THE FUCKING ASSHOLE. Don’t play the game. In fact call the other out on the game. <br />
If you are a ”yes Man / Woman” and can’t help playing this game then guess what.... that’s right it is on you. Accept responsibility and follow through. Get help and stop violating your own boundaries. </span></div>
preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-12180884191243725512013-02-09T08:35:00.000-08:002013-02-09T08:35:08.272-08:00Blackface isn't dead it is just in drag<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I was recently made aware of a "comic" Named Charles F Kipp's and his drag character Shirley Q Liquor . Mr Kipp dresses in a large Moomoo dress dons blackface make up and proceeds to act out the worst African American </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">stereotypes. To get an idea of what this act is like take Tyler Perry's Media and remove all the real word play, situational comedy and originality. Or watch this and judge for your self. It is painful to watch on many levels but hiding from this social train wreak of a racist act is to be complicit in it. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By3iWZ0CRGs">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By3iWZ0CRGs</a> or<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O4BbMisj6s"> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O4BbMisj6s</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">As a Anglo of Scott , German, Irish, and Cherokee decent who grew up in Dallas Tx, I see blackface in the same light as jim crow laws and cross burning . It is a method of keeping African Americans stereotyped as “less than” and dehumanizes them. In order to oppress a people or even eliminate them you must first see them as less than self. </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Charles F Kipp's work is racially insulting, insensitive and in its negative stereotyping of African Americans in the form of this Shirley Q Liquor ranks up there with Julius Streicher’s Der Stürmer Nazi propaganda the jews. He may mistakenly feel entitled by way of being in an oppressed group ( drag, gay, and libertarian) to stand outside of the bounds of normal social ethics. A sentiment echoed by RuPauls defence of Kipp’s act in saying “</span><span style="font: 13.0px Helvetica; letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Critics who think that Shirley Q. Liquor is offensive are idiots. Listen, I've been discriminated against by everybody in the world: gay people, black people, whatever. I know discrimination, I know racism, I know it very intimately. She's not racist, and if she were, she wouldn't be on my new CD” </span><span style="font: 11.0px Helvetica; letter-spacing: 0.0px;">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Knipp </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So being a member of an oppressed community or several places you above being the oppressor? No, absolutely not. Just because you have been oppressed does not give you the moral license to violate others by depicting damaging stereotypes in offensive ways NO MATTER YOUR INTENT. Engaging in racism to end racism is akin to fucking to regain virginity. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">AS to Mr Kipp’s body of work.... I have watched this man preform his "act" via youtube and find there is not enough bleach to cleanse my minds eye of it. There are no redeeming comedic qualities to it. <br />
The Shirley Q Liquor character is an embodiment of every negative stereotype assigned to lower income African americans. It seems a dollar store knock off of Tyler Perry's Media character. Yet, there are non of the things that makes the Media character work as a real person. As for comedy, it has no word play, or situational comedy, or anything else to laugh at but disgusting idiosyncrasies and negative stereotypes presented about African Americans. It shows African Americans as inferior in intellect, hygiene, industry, and vocabulary among countless other ways. That makes it racist.<br />
The Betty Butterfield character is the same but Anglo in sunglasses and horrid lip stick. It seems a direct knock off of the Landover Baptist satire character Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian. Found here: <a href="http://www.bettybowers.com/"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px color: #000099; text-decoration: underline;">http://www.bettybowers.com</span></a>/ but again with no redeeming comic qualities but to hold that stereotype up to ridicule. It is unoriginal, arguably plagiarized, freudenschade, Shit. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">TIME TO EAT THE LAMA</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The reason this man can and dose do this horrible act of racism , besides a skewed sence of entitlement to oppression and truly lacking a sense of humor, is because WE the community not only condone it but endorse it through our silence. We Allow this evil to exist because we do not speak up against it. Just as a majority of whites pre civil rights moment just accepted that "that is the way it's always been" as an excuse for apathy for the unequal treatment of African Americans.... We look past the right or wrong of a thing and excuse inaction with freedom of speech and move on. Inaction condones behavior. WE CAN AND MUST DO BETTER. </span></span></div>
preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-91228895898125713242013-02-07T22:44:00.001-08:002013-02-07T22:44:05.896-08:00Unwritten rules<br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So you were pissed that I broke an unwritten rule of your online group. Then instead of informing me privately of my transgression and telling others on the group that it is being handled you hold me up to public ridicule..... UNWRITTEN RULES ARE FOR THE PTA, DEBUTANTES BALL, AND SOME CHURCHES. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">If the rule was as important to the safety of the group as you claim then take proper measures to prevent it from being broken. Lock that feature to admin only. Personally I EXPECTED THE REQUEST TO GO THROUGH THE ADMINS. As it didn’t and no one bothered to place the rules in the description of the group or in a sticky note on the first page... DO NOT JUMP MY SHIT FOR BREAKING IT. Seriously take some responsibility for the group you run. Should I have been a bit more thoughtful? Yes, I could have not assumed that the admins were checking all requests before they were auto granted? Do I understand that there are privacy issues and that a breech of those could bring consequence to some members of the board? Absolutely, that is why I assumed such a serious thing was being granted after admin approval. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">All of this is why I apologized in the first place. Given the shit storm, I take it that it is past simple apologies. For the sake of those who need the group I chose to leave it. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">In the end I have enough places to discuss the topics like on this group. This is the only outlet for many of the group members. Logic dictates that I step aside and insure the “safety” of the group for those who only have this one outlet. Mostly though, I have more than enough REAL drama to put up with internet bull shit. </span></div>
preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-87691169076655109092012-07-02T08:22:00.001-07:002012-07-02T08:22:43.760-07:00Too Many Lamas<br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I had forgotten.... how could I have forgotten? I knew this was part of the scene and I knew it was not unusual. It had happened before. Many times before in the past. Why had I not seen it then? Why had I not run screaming from the building then as my reptile brain was telling me to do now? </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">As I sat talking to the hundredth DDD (Dumbfounded Drama-filled Dumass):a bread of Lama similar to the Holstein in copious production of the milk of Drama unkindness but not as tasty as the STDD (Slut / Tease Drama Doll) breed: I began to get an urge to push them out of my killing range. In fact I began feeling trapped. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I came to the club, name unimportant, to see old friends I had not been able to see the whole trip and to wish others a happy Birthday. What had happened was thirty minutes of good conversation then an onslaught of DDDs and STDDs. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I had forgotten how they sought my opinion. How they crowded around chewing the cud of this break up or that infatuation, shitting gossip and conspiracy theory all over my boots. I hate cleaning conspiracy off my boots. I must have been some how immune to it back in the day. Somewhere in the past 10 yrs I lost my tolerance for it. Most likely , by the looks of things, my ex got it in the divorce.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">SO after being surrounded by lamas I begin to get physically surrounded.... the club filling to MAx occupancy.... or at least the unmovable wall of flesh surrounding me would say. With no where to go the Lama to my right threatened physical confrontation with their rival I hit a breaking point.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The “little voice” (really a desperate urge) started screaming “kill em all” and the anxiety rose in my gut. I HAD to leave. GO go to jail. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">TIME TO EAT THE LAMA</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I chose to be there. I hose to go to this club and I chose to be polite and stay there. I chose not to look at the lamas and tell them in blunt terms to grow the fuck up and leave high school behind. We are responsible for the places we chose to stay. The ONLY two things we control are OUR actions and the ATTITUDE we take those in. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I chose to get to a quieter place ...talk to a few friends then leave. I can not change a lama but i can tell it to leave or serve it up a big helping of reality. </span></div>preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-25302426335996208122012-07-02T07:50:00.002-07:002012-07-02T07:50:17.488-07:00STAMPEDE!<br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">It has been a while since I last posted. Mostly because the “heard” has not been running through my neck of the woods too often lately. Things have been interesting and yes there have been issues but nothing too big or too stupid to truly be called a Drama Lama. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">This past weekend that changed. There was a Drama Lama Stampede round these parts. The weekend ended so depressingly and started so horrifically bad that it is going to take multiple entrees to serve up this particular feast. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So bear with me and I will try not to get lost out of order or burn the Lama. As always beans and coleslaw are on the table behind you, Sweet tea is in the pitcher and BYOB. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Enjoy</span></div>preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-88215975549492878402011-12-09T11:44:00.000-08:002011-12-09T11:44:22.519-08:00Show CallsThere are "show calls" and then there are Show Calls. The kind of show calls I like are the ones that have me returning day after day to the set living the dream and making good money . This mornings show call was not one of those.<br />
Amazing thing about the telephone. bystanders only hear half of the conversation. So If I call information under the guise of calling about a over billing issue or a problem with a teacher OR A PROBLEM WITH MY EX, those standing around me will only hear what I say and how I react. I can create an impression of how a conversation went. It is a SHOW. It is a half truth. It is a deception. It is something that I have been both the audience for and the "victim" of.<br />
This morning my Ex calls me and asked "I was wondering if you were planning on paying the child support this month". Slightly offended I informed her that it had been paid and I suggest she contact the disbursement unit. Of corse this lead to her telling me I was acting like an ass and being mean and playing up to whom ever was there. It is meant to create the illusion that i am a combative argumentative asshole that can not be reasoned with . It has me debating the merits of recording all conversations with her.<br />
For the record I have been assessed to pay her $351.35 due on the the 1st of each month by the the Texas courts. She has sent emails stating that I have not paid the "full amount" and that I am delinquent. I suspect she has lead her husband and mother-in-law it is more than that. <br />
TIME TO EAT THE LAMA<br />
"There are no victims , only volunteers" is a slogan i have heard in recovery. It speaks to owning your part and not being the perpetual victim. There is a point of accountability to this Show Call situation.<br />
While I do not intend on getting caught up in all the drama the SC bring I do have the responsibility of my reaction. Do I simply ignore and not play this game? Allow her to paint what ever picture she wishes to her people. Or do I expose the facts , and just the facts, to all involved?<br />
The clear path is to expose all the facts to the all involved and leave it at that . The only way to stop the behavior is to take away the rewards. The only answer to the show call is the truth.preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-30632794099512694862011-11-28T15:03:00.000-08:002011-11-28T15:03:18.675-08:00Forceable DownsizingRecently, due to a lack of good work and mounting bills, I am faced with a limited set of options. Sell off enough of my things to cover the bills till the first of the year or sell off enough things to fit into living at my girlfriends small house. My family is as straped for cash as everyone else.<br />
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Either option leaves me evaluating and liquidating my former life. Little did I know that getting my Ex's things out was really the water breaking on the birth of a new life. It is not just my former married life that has to go but also much of the things accumulated in the rebuilding right after. I am finding that so much of that is either remnants of the past or just ..... unnecessary.<br />
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I am also finding out that the things we ascribe "value" to have only the market value in times like these. The 32" TV you bought for $700 is eclipsed by the newer versions that sell for a quarter the cost new. The industrial sewing machin that you bough for $700 , think is worth $500 is really floating the $350 range due to it's "unique brand" and specialty use. Look around you. Your precious STUFF is just that. Stuff, junk , Shit ...... like George Carlin said .<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/MvgN5gCuLac?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div> So we ascribe value to our stuff that in the end is based on sentimental attachment, fear of loss, or what we did to get that thing. The hours we spend at work to earn the money we spend to buy the stuff initially put a sacrificial value on our stuff. In other words we sacrificed time and effort to get that flat screen TV, Xbox, House , or Car. We look at value based on perceived value and not intrinsic value.<br />
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Intrinsic value, at least for this point, is value based on the utility of the item. All cars get you from point A to point B. There is a utility value in that. A house gives you shelter from the elements and safety. The basic value of an item is in it's use. The differences in market value come from perceived values including the ones you place on what you own.<br />
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So Why am I upset that I am not getting the amount of $$ for my things that I want? Why is it hurting to let go of the things that I rarely see and never use. What is it that is making me so reluctant to take the rational option of downsizing and moving into my girlfriends place?<br />
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Time To Eat the Lama<br />
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Since the divorce I have sought to keep the peace taking things that others have though silly and even self destructive to take on. i have moved all of my old house hold into my new apartment after my ex left the country. I have held onto all of her things till the divorce settled them. I have diligently tried to "do the right thing" by my girls and my myself. I have held on to too many things from my past being unable to let them go.<br />
In Recovery there is a concept of god "doing for us what we can not do for ourself". This is a prime example. I have not been able to clear out all the things from my past. I have been suffering depression and in a state of "survival mode" for far too long. So .... god being god he dose for me what I been unable to do for myself .... strips away the useless shit to get to a workable place to get on with healing.<br />
I hate having to sell off my stuff. It hurts and makes me feel less than successful. It is however a necessary pill to swallow.preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-8226140711861046512011-11-25T17:07:00.000-08:002011-11-25T17:20:05.618-08:00Dyeing for your applause. Death in the Film Industry.When I came to BC from Texas I found that it seemed EVERYTHING had a certification. You have to be certified for Arial Boom and scissor lifts to even be a grip in the union here. You have to have an FFE<br />
( entertainment specific electronics license) to run generators.<br />
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When I was starting out in Texas you were expected to get it done with minimal training . That included tying into electrical panels. If you were the gaffer you had been taught by another the "proper" tie in procedure. You didn't need a special FFE electricians license to tie in or operate the large diesel generators. You learned it on the job and didn't think twice. They looked at you and said" your doing condor duty , there it is the controls are labeled " and up you went. <br />
At first I felt like certification was just an money scam. To be honest I still think the renewal rules ARE an money thing. The renewal of training to operate machines that we use so regularly seems a bit excessive<br />
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Yesterday my love pointed out this headline on Yahoo news: <br />
<h1 class="headline" id="yui_3_3_0_21_1322246490835443" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 26px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.21em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">'G.I. Joe 2' crew member killed during filming</h1>http://news.yahoo.com/g-joe-2-crew-member-killed-during-filming-211244502.html<br />
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After looking into several other news reports it is unclear if he was using a scisor lift<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXWYWNsbFYFw6-_5tAA0km-9fqfqBKVT3pILIGcvI69dxSUrVXbUCVPcjpSH4yJRDJCHbvjHLvxuJnPUGCLYVY3aJMwgdN1jccZD2dRwTYZakpEHsltJoGOpjF2g71o6WUO8WvBuP5k7rk/s1600/electric+scissor+lift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXWYWNsbFYFw6-_5tAA0km-9fqfqBKVT3pILIGcvI69dxSUrVXbUCVPcjpSH4yJRDJCHbvjHLvxuJnPUGCLYVY3aJMwgdN1jccZD2dRwTYZakpEHsltJoGOpjF2g71o6WUO8WvBuP5k7rk/s200/electric+scissor+lift.jpg" width="133" /></a><br />
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<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcx9TI0_rmUnZ5IM54XMsVbHUTvG_WVi4O_605ZZMzmvJagRx9iRJnVpCzW1iWQIq3olDEC0gqRZ4uAr25dsANyFaPAo_cmaNLJlTzpZ1GlANQaXj-ZURCjZobXcfGuQBcNA4xCIFJ1Vns/s1600/condor+lift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcx9TI0_rmUnZ5IM54XMsVbHUTvG_WVi4O_605ZZMzmvJagRx9iRJnVpCzW1iWQIq3olDEC0gqRZ4uAr25dsANyFaPAo_cmaNLJlTzpZ1GlANQaXj-ZURCjZobXcfGuQBcNA4xCIFJ1Vns/s200/condor+lift.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXWYWNsbFYFw6-_5tAA0km-9fqfqBKVT3pILIGcvI69dxSUrVXbUCVPcjpSH4yJRDJCHbvjHLvxuJnPUGCLYVY3aJMwgdN1jccZD2dRwTYZakpEHsltJoGOpjF2g71o6WUO8WvBuP5k7rk/s1600/electric+scissor+lift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXWYWNsbFYFw6-_5tAA0km-9fqfqBKVT3pILIGcvI69dxSUrVXbUCVPcjpSH4yJRDJCHbvjHLvxuJnPUGCLYVY3aJMwgdN1jccZD2dRwTYZakpEHsltJoGOpjF2g71o6WUO8WvBuP5k7rk/s1600/electric+scissor+lift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">or an arial boom arm "condor" lift. Both of these are subject to certification standards in BC.<br />
The accident happened in New Orleans and I am uncertain of the certification requirements there. It is unclear if the accident was caused by mechanical failure or operator error and I am not going to speculate. What is clear is that he died in a profession and enviroment I share.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"> We in the film industry do what is necessary to get the shot, the scene, the film "in the can". We use high powered machines, work with high voltage , rig explosives and fire to create exciting visuals for the show. Even in shows without guns or chase scenes or explosions the technicals require risk. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Rigging requires going into a sound stage or other shooting area and ,using these types of lifts, hanging the necessary Green screens, transmats, chains cable and pipe for the over set lighting grids, electrical cable and distribution, and many other items needed to make a sound stage function. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">We take an empty space like this... and turn it into this .... then back again.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrVVabwt_7GB4_7OZLcWF9-vdQ9q4Cm3VKczMoZGm3YWS0oQ9Pl7QYdeN_AdOmdpSWpB21sNZLNB5vwQMJOKYNy-PWI1bnaW1vLrrlZmh4jX3kq6JszF1NkEztyyw_3Zkt8Isiyzlu2pUL/s1600/EmptySoundStage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrVVabwt_7GB4_7OZLcWF9-vdQ9q4Cm3VKczMoZGm3YWS0oQ9Pl7QYdeN_AdOmdpSWpB21sNZLNB5vwQMJOKYNy-PWI1bnaW1vLrrlZmh4jX3kq6JszF1NkEztyyw_3Zkt8Isiyzlu2pUL/s200/EmptySoundStage.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqX9YQAOkTyoCJ7lu_Z0DdPuodjJ-Zp6ZuHRIwVHdhcIGirv5qLkh1G2ZgX60dkEc8yceKpyCzQcEdkQIyVncCHRZBs-JJFCbKjbkrymvi2sMaAHyhUWP_GskMveBxnSrRat6deCR2f5Ql/s1600/Sound+Stage+full+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="130" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqX9YQAOkTyoCJ7lu_Z0DdPuodjJ-Zp6ZuHRIwVHdhcIGirv5qLkh1G2ZgX60dkEc8yceKpyCzQcEdkQIyVncCHRZBs-JJFCbKjbkrymvi2sMaAHyhUWP_GskMveBxnSrRat6deCR2f5Ql/s200/Sound+Stage+full+.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
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It is a massive undertaking and just another day in the film industry. after all we make dreams into reality. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Time to Eat the Lama</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">I have spent many 12 hr days either up in a lift rigging or doing the ground work putting in or taking out stages. It is just part of the job I do. There have been many occasions that I have had to look at the job to be done and the limits of the lifts we use and thinking "it should be fine". Other times I have been up in a lift and had to "gut check" when the basket sways a bit more than expected. I have been hurt on set from accidents, none so severe as this thank god. I have had heavy equipment fall on me, had unannounced gunfire ring my ears and had to remain in the "danger zone" during a car explosion. My part in it all? I chose to be there in those situation doing the job I love. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Hearing about this tragic death has me both empathizing with the man who died and thinking about how little the general public knows what actually goes into making a movie. Next time you go to a theater wait for the credits and see how many of us worked on it . </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div>preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-59372863510365822402011-11-24T11:40:00.000-08:002011-11-24T11:45:01.890-08:00Smell the Glamor or My career explainedMy ex claimed to the judge at the initial divorce hearing that "he never worked during our marriage". Had she qualified that statement with " worked enough" she may have had some room to defend the statement. The judge was looking at my tax records at the moment she made the statement.<br />
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I could write for days about my ex and our marriage. I am sure that there will be enough entries in this blog about her to come. If she or her friends read this .... suck it up and read the description to the left. What I have to say is mostly based on facts in evidence. I digress.<br />
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Today we are talking about my career and how to explain it. I came to the realization that because of shows like Entertainment Tonight people focus on the "Show" part of show business. The industry sells the glamor and hypes the stars because if you know the name you will be more apt to see the movie. The "Pretty Machine" makes stars and sells them to us. After all ho do you explain any number of reality stars that don't make movies just messes. <br />
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The reality is that it is a business. A cold hard dollars and cents game of profit and box office numbers. The budget is separated into what is known as "above the line and below the line" Above the "line" there are the producers , directors, stars, and sometimes the writers. (Basically the "creative vision and drive of the project")<br />
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Then there are the technicians. Oh so many technicians. Directors of photography, Camera assistants, Hair, Make up , Costumes, Construction and Paint department, Set Decorations , Props, Locations, Visual Effects (FX), Production department and my homes Lighting and Grip department. There can literally be a crew as big as several hundred and as small as ( in "gorila" style film makeing) 10 or less.<br />
I am a Lamp Operator and Grip.<br />
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A Lamp Op handles and sets up lighting and power on set. In some areas of the country they set up power distribution and generators as well. We have to get the lighting right the first time in limited windows of opportunity. A Grip handles any device that controls a light but is not part of the light it's self. They also handle rigging and set safety. The head of the lighting department is the Gaffer. The head of the Grip department is the Key Grip. These two departments have mirrored departments in Rigging Gaffer and Rigging Key Grip that set up lighting in a studio prior to the shooting day.<br />
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SO, on any given set there is usually a core set of Lamp Ops that the Gaffer is comfortable hiring for the full show (called a "show call"). These are usually his "go to guys " and they work repeatedly and regularly with that Gaffer. It is quite like a rock band. Occasionally there will be a location or need for additional guys for the day. (called a "Day Call"). This is like being a session musician. <br />
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As a Lamp op I have risen to Gaffing in my home town, moved and have had to start over at the bottom. I have show called on major motion pictures and day called on low budget shows. The work is the work. It is the amount of it that is the problem.<br />
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My industry is unstable. Movies and Tv show (projects) are dependent on the bottom line. If a producer can make the "same " show in another area cheaper or if the tax incentives are cheaper then they will. I can't truly blame them. If the cost of production is better in Louisiana then I understand that. If the HST (Harmonized Sales Tax) in BC is repealed and the major tax advantages to shooting there is gone .... why shoot there. This is the microcosm of the globalization of industry and production. Take a good look this could be your future with production of goods hopping from one "low cost" area to another in order to improve the bottom line.<br />
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Add to it that there is a "season". In BC the last one or two months of the year are usually the "winding down"period and the first one or two the "gearing up " period. That leaves technicians like me unemployed for 2 to 4 months. In a good year with a good amount of work that is a survivable vacation form the 12+ hrs workday the rest of the year. In a bad year it is catastrophic.<br />
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So what is a tech to do? Well the system here in BC is better than some places I have lived. There is Employment Insurance or EI. EI is a fund that you pay into on every hr worked. If you are unemployed you have acess to that fund. It is not the same as in the US. It is common for seasonal workers to take EI in the off season. It is however only a percentage of your regular pay.<br />
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I have filed for EI and met the red tape monster. Later today I will be visiting the offices of the productions to get the papers needed for this. In the meantime I am behind in my rent, my other bills are not looking promising and again the ghost of my ex's words come haunting.<br />
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In the past I have taken any job that is offered to cover bills. I have worked in a ham stuffing factory. I have worked on a cross dock. I have literally dug ditches for installing irrigation systems. I have worked as a carpenters assistant. I have worked two jobs at once to provide for my family. I have no problems with work.<br />
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I WORK in a "glamorous" industry. I sweat each day on set doing what a colleague called "industrial athletics. I have been injured by falling carts and dropped camera dollies. I have hearing loss from gun shots and explosions. There will come a day when my joints and body will no longer take this punishment. I already have reoccurring pain in both shoulders, a numb spot in my back and a permanent popping in my neck. I can only hope to lateral into another category of the industry or even above the line. I have spent a career honing skills that are useless outside the film / photo industry. I am "golden handcuffed" to this work.<br />
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When there is work I make a good living thanks to the IATSE union. I have worked on independent films for $100 for a 12 hr day flat. no OT. That means if the day goes into 14 or 16 hours I do not get more. I was once offered a $50 day in a city 4 hrs away. I "politely" declined. That is the reality of the industry. Given free reign some producers pay the lowest common denominator , and there is always someone with lower denominators than you. Often kids work for experience alone. I am lucky to be in the Union and getting the liveing wage it provides .<br />
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Time to Eat the Lama<br />
I chose this industry. I chose the hard times and limited options, the long hours and destructive influence on personal lives. I went to school for it getting a BA in it. I perused it like a crackhead peruses a rock. I love the adrenaline of being on set. I love being a part of a well known project . I love the daily challenges to make the impossible happen. When it is time to leave the industry behind I will do so knowing I was good at my job and full of incredible stories and good memories. <br />
I came to film to be a filmmaker but found I was uncomfortable with the title. I produced a student film that was destroyed in editing. In retrospect the film was good, it was solid. No academy award winner, after all it was a student film. I made mistakes but I let that experience taint my life in the industry. I have chosen to pursue a below the line life and not reach for the producers title. I have gaffed and I have even been 2nd unit Director of photography on a Cans shown short short film. I have 6 screenplays in their first drafts. Yet I still struggle with the thoughts of being a failure because I am facing hard times in a hard economy. So do I work "enough"..... I work as hard and as much as I can.preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-90008166735287819832011-11-22T12:19:00.000-08:002011-11-22T12:22:38.157-08:00The Prayer of Saint Francis<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; line-height: 19px;">I learned early in life how easy it is to destroy. It wasn't anything I learned at home as my parents were intellectual pacifist. I brought anger, rage, violence and bloodshed with me in my youth. I found it easy. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; line-height: 19px;">As part of the "moment of clarity" leading to my need to get sober I realized that it is harder to create than destroy, that it is tougher to forgive than avenge. in short, any monkey with a rock can kill but it take a strong man to bring love and peace. </span>Early in my recovery I ran across the prayer of Saint Francis.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"></span><br />
<dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>Where there is hatred, let me sow love.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>Where there is injury, pardon.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>Where there is doubt, faith.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>Where there is despair, hope.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>Where there is darkness, light.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>Where there is sadness, joy.</i></dd></dl><dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>O Divine Master,</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>to be understood, as to understand;</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>to be loved, as to love.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>For it is in giving that we receive.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.</i></dd></dl><dl style="margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.2em;"><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i>Amen.</i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><i> </i></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It shaped my spiritual life and set a standard for me to follow. I have sought to bring in conflicts and ( as written) sow love, pardon, faith ,hope , ect. The part of seeking to console and understand rather than be consoled and understood spoke volumes to me.</span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have tried throughout my sober life to understand why another is acting the way they do . Then to use it as a means of acting with love and kindness and not the dark vengeance and rage that threatened my destruction in my youth. </span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The St Francis Prayer has driven my reactions to the end of my marriage. I have fruitlessly sought to understand what I now see as the insanity of her psychotic break . To quote the Boomtown Rats</span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;">And he can see no reasons, 'cause there are no reasons. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;">What reason do you need to be shown?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;">"</span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;">To understand the end of my marriage is to simple understand that she wanted out of a hard situation and made herself believe untrue facts to justify it. I understand instead of being understood and it doesn't help. It has just turned the pain and rage inward. </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;"> </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;">I have sough to keep the peace in the interest of the children only to file for divorce and custody after being forced into a corner. In the end the only "peace" to be had is a submission to what ever it is the girl wants TODAY. Those that know me know I do not submit willingly. </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;"> </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; line-height: normal;">I have given and I have pardoned and been left with little but unanswered questions, depression and a preset roll that her man before me was also cast in. </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; line-height: normal;">TIME TO EAT THE LAMA</span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; line-height: normal;">I have followed the St Francis. Many of my friends have been baffled and outraged at my lack of venom and active pursuit of her destruction. They do not know that to seek vengeance and spiteful animosity is to welcome in the worst part of my past with open arms. To entertain that beast is not to ruin my ex but to butcher her. THAT is not the standard I have set or the standard my children need to have set for them. It leaves me learning how to deal with this rage turned within. </span></span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A Standard, a symbol like a flag held above the solder to identify his country, unit, ect. It was flown above for two reasons in my humble opinion. </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The first is obvious , it was to be seen by all. There is no use for a standard to remain out of site. It is a rallying point and a reminder of who you are and what you serve. it is a set of beliefs and values. Look at the flag. Tell me you are not reminded of freedom and personal responsibility as a citizen.</span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The second reason is that the standers are a goal set above to remind us that they are unattainable in perfection. we look up to find them and reach for them but should always remain above us. As in recovery "we strive for spiritual progress not spiritual perfection" .</span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></dd><dd style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-left: 1.6em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Following the standards set in the Saint Francis Prayer have served me well in life and at this time of their "failing" they have led me to a clear lesson. Do not let your rage to turn inward while maintaining your standards. </span></dd></dl>preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-24417561468728229112011-11-22T10:59:00.000-08:002011-11-22T10:59:07.719-08:00Cha Cha Cha ChangesWhat is the goal in life? To be wealthy? To be loved? To achieve a status: fame, wealth, power, Family, Love, "Happiness" and then maintain it? Is a state of "perfection" , however that looks to you, life's goal? <br />
Is then maintaining that happiness in stasis the goal? What of those arround you? Finally What the fuck is with all these inane questions?<br />
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Life is a struggle against entropy. It is a constant fight to thrive aginst decay. The earth likes to reclaim the building blocks we so greedily horde. Life is not a fan os stasis. Is it any wonder that Change is the norm and we covet the rare, unusual and "perfect moment".<br />
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The fact is that change is constant and unrelenting. The world is in a constant state of change. People are in a constant state of change. There is a joke about marriage. Women get married thinking he'll change and men get married thinking she won't. So what happens when the changes we go through piss off our closest friends and loved ones.<br />
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The last two .... strike that five years have changed me. Having moved to another country and adapting to the more reserved culture, becoming isolated as an immigrant and stay at home father, going through a brutal separation and divorce. I have gone from a vibrant and ruckus social life to an isolated family centered existence and back (somewhat) again. I have become severely depressed and am seeing help in manors that fit. <br />
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All of these have left changes and some have left scars. Changes that others may see as bad. Changes exposing weaknesses in my character. They see me change in to a "doormat" for not ripping my exe's head off or assaulting the man she left me for. They see weakness ing my not calling in favors to have them ostracized from the social and professional world I have sway in. They see cowardess in my quiet suffering of the pains caused me. The do not like what I have become yet even some of hem have been spared wrath by that very aspect of my nature. They want in short "the old me " back. Problem is the old me is as dead as the life he led.<br />
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The changes that I have gone thorough and continue to go through are the changes of recovery from the abuse, neglect, abandonment and trauma that I have been afflicted with. Tell an amputee that you want the old him back and see if he dosn't agree. I want to be happy and more "zen" again. I want to be warm and witty and charming again. The fact is that until I deal witht he dammage at hand , the emotions i failed to express for fear of harming my daughter I will not be that way. Even after i don't know IF I will return to the same person. Most likely not.<br />
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TIME TO EAT THE LAMA<br />
Now before you go thinking that I am just whining poor me. The point is this WE ALL CHANGE. The only "Perfect stagnation"in in fossils. Dead cold stone fossils. Living things are either growing or dieing. There is rarely any between time. Change is part of life and while I can not make friend accept what I am going through or the depths at which it has affected OR the time frame it is going to take to recover what is to be recovered: I can understand that they too have suffered a loss. They have lost the "old me" just as sure as I have. The miss that person. Those with he greatest connection to him are hurt the most. I can not be understanding and forgiving to those that have harmed me and not to my friends who have been supportive. I have to understand that the on going details may be too hard on them and that my reasons for acting the way I do my not be fathomable to them. In short .... don't change the dressings in front of the family.preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-60340878290588063752011-11-17T11:47:00.000-08:002011-11-17T11:47:49.533-08:00Anger ManagementApparently, I have not been handling my anger correctly. I have not been screaming at those I feel have wronged me. I have not burned my Ex's abandoned things. These things are not how I was raised to deal with emotions. The issue then becomes that I am "stuffing the emotion" and that is causing it to turn inward. This apparently is causing depression.<br />
So I have been referred to an Mens Anger Management group. I am hopping that this will help with the issues I have in expressing my anger and feelings. I am not sure yet. I know part of my issues and can name them but have a hard time connecting the path forward. Perhaps I can learn to express my anger at my family and significant others (when they piss me off) in a manner that balances between expression and stuffing.<br />
I know that part of this issue is deep seated in my family structure. My mother , and don't for a second think I think ill of my mother, has a history of nullifying my feelings with her own. That is to say that if I express any anger or displeasure at her actions attitudes or other things, she immediately throws out the guilt and cries "well i never wanted to upset you". Then my dad gets angry at who ever is pissing her off. The end affect is that no one is allowed to be angry at my mother with few exceptions . Now that is not an all truism . there have been times and incidences that she has not reacted that way but more often than not I have been left feeling that MY ANGER IS NEVER JUSTIFIED.<br />
If boys pattern their girlfriends after their mothers , and apparently I am one that dose, this sense of indefensible anger has run through EVERY relationship I have had. Whether or not that is the case. It is not a matter of dose my s.o. being approachable with me being angry I have been programed to reign in the rage through not only years of family dynamic but my own violent youth.<br />
I am in recovery. I have been since my mid teens. As alcoholism and addiction are incurable conditions and as I trace part of it to my biochemical reactions to drugs including those administered under surgical supervision, I will never say that I am "recovered". It is just another facet of who I am. Shine on you crazy diamond.<br />
In recovery we talk of taking inventories of self in order to rid ourselves of resentments. This works if we have done the work to accept the situations and facts first. Owning our parts in things is a powerful tool to clear up the wreckage of the past when we have torn through lives like tornados and left swaths of victims. Even in sober life we still have to own our parts in the destruction we still may visit on others. Everyone causes pain to others in life. There is no getting out of that.<br />
But is this anger issue about the destruction I have caused or The little boy inside that learned to never express anger and rage in a balanced way?<br />
<b>Time to Eat the Lama</b><br />
I have anger issues because I didn't learn that there are times when I deserve to have my anger heard when I feel it and in it's raw form. I didn't learn that there is a balance between rage and a healthy expression of anger so instead I lock away the anger and parse out enough of it to be manageable. I have learned to "keep my mouth shut " to avoid the backlash of my family and significant others. <br />
I have to learn to value myself and trust that my anger is ok to express when I feel it. I have to learn that people deserve to be confronted with my anger in a nondestructive way when they fuck up REALLY badly.preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433948603087147589.post-51004583577898955772011-11-17T00:56:00.000-08:002011-11-17T00:56:58.343-08:00What the Fuck Is a Drama Lama BarbecueThere once was a lama of great renowned. It ranged far and wide groaning here and there. It was a prolific lama indeed There was only one problem. Where ever the Lama went lovers quarreled, families fought, and friends spoke no more. It seemed that this particular Lama had a talent for tumult, a penchant for pandemonium, a disposition for discord. He was THE Drama Lama.<br />
In a mountain glen the Lama came upon a pack of wolves. The wolves began to growl at one another. As the Lama approached and began to groan the usual discord he was set upon by the eldest of the pack.<br />
The old wolf knew this beast and the pains it carried with it. With the deftness of a hundred hunts the wolf ripped the Lama into equal pieces and placed one in front of each pack mate.<br />
"Let us each devour our part in this " he told them "and be done with this beast"<br />
"But why would we want to eat this foul meat" said the youngest wolf<br />
"In order to grow from drama we must all accept our part of it "<br />
With that the wolves dined and knew peace.<br />
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A Drama Lama Barbecue is simply nuking the drama and parsing out who owns what. Facing it head on and making an end of it. This blog is my Barbecue I am parsing out the dramas and traumas in my life . IF you are the subject of drama and trauma accept now that i am not going to turn down the heat. Pull up some potato salad and grab the sauce I have a heard to cook.preachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04139269936922426035noreply@blogger.com1