Boundaries , games and being the Asshole

We know the game. We have all played it as kids. “he followed me home can I keep him”? “ You said I could when I was older and that was a month ago”.  Emotional manipulation comes to us at an early age. It is one of the first “tools” of interpersonal negotiations we learn, however  negative and bad it may actually be.  The innocent emotional manipulations develop into peer pressure and even coercion.  “ All the others are doing it .... don’t be a chicken” or “come on baby if you love me you’ll do it”  Somewhere along the line we should be taught either consciously or by hard life lessons that this kind of manipulation is destructive and wrong. This is not however always the case. In fact some parents pattern it to their offspring as a way of survival and advantage in life. It becomes ingrained. 

The goal of this kind of manipulation is of corse to get what ever it is they are wanting / needing. What it does is trample over a very important boundary. The right and ability to say “no” to any request. All persons have the right to say no to ANYTHING as long as they are wiling to accept the consequences. Saying no to an authority has real consequence. telling a judge, or police officer is likely to get harsh consequences. Im most cases however, telling a person no should carry no fear or consequence. Sure, telling a child no  has only the consequence of an angry, disappointed or fit throwing child, but that is part of the parenting job. Real adults have the right and privilege to say “no” with out fear of loosing their partner or dealing with anger or derision or score.  But that is what the emotional manipulation depends on, playing the Asshole card. 

Playing the Asshole  is a time “honored” game in which one person places the other in the position of being or feeling like an Asshole. 

“Oh can you get this ...I got lunch last time” ( some how subway doesn't compare to stake and lobster but fearing being the ungrateful Asshole) “ Yea, sure”    

playing the Asshole is a way of covertly defying boundaries of another. It is manipulation and so not ok. “ He/ She made me the Asshole and violated my trust” 

TIME TO EAT THE LAMMA

If you pick up the ball and play the Asshole game, you violated your own boundary.  I’ll say this plainly . BE THE FUCKING ASSHOLE. Don’t play the game. In fact call the other out on the game. 
If you are a ”yes Man / Woman”  and can’t help playing this game then guess what.... that’s right it is on you. Accept responsibility and follow through. Get help and stop violating your own boundaries. 

Blackface isn't dead it is just in drag

I was recently made aware of a "comic"  Named Charles F Kipp's and his drag character Shirley Q Liquor . Mr Kipp dresses in a large Moomoo dress dons blackface make up and proceeds  to act out the worst African American stereotypes. To get an idea of what this act is like take Tyler Perry's Media and remove all the real word play, situational comedy and originality.  Or watch this and judge for your self. It is painful to watch on many levels but hiding from this social train wreak of a racist act is to be complicit in it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By3iWZ0CRGs or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O4BbMisj6s

As a Anglo of Scott , German, Irish, and Cherokee decent who grew up in Dallas Tx, I see blackface in the same light as jim crow laws and cross burning . It is a method of keeping  African Americans stereotyped as “less than” and dehumanizes them. In order to oppress a people or even eliminate them you must first see them as less than self. 

Charles F Kipp's work is racially insulting, insensitive and in its negative stereotyping of African Americans in the form of this Shirley Q Liquor ranks up there with Julius Streicher’s Der Stürmer  Nazi propaganda   the jews. He may mistakenly feel entitled by way of being in an oppressed group ( drag, gay, and libertarian) to stand outside of the bounds of normal social ethics.   A sentiment echoed  by RuPauls defence of Kipp’s act in saying “Critics who think that Shirley Q. Liquor is offensive are idiots. Listen, I've been discriminated against by everybody in the world: gay people, black people, whatever. I know discrimination, I know racism, I know it very intimately. She's not racist, and if she were, she wouldn't be on my new CD”  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Knipp  So being a member of an oppressed community or several places you above being the oppressor?  No, absolutely not. Just because you have been oppressed does not give you the moral license to violate others by depicting damaging stereotypes in offensive ways NO MATTER YOUR INTENT.  Engaging in racism to end racism is akin to fucking to regain virginity. 

AS to Mr Kipp’s body of work.... I have watched this man preform his "act" via youtube and find there is not enough bleach to cleanse my minds eye of it. There are no redeeming comedic qualities to it.
The Shirley Q Liquor character is an embodiment of every negative stereotype assigned to lower income African americans. It seems a dollar store knock off of Tyler Perry's Media character. Yet, there are non of the things that makes the Media character  work as a real person. As for comedy, it has no word play, or situational comedy, or anything else to laugh at but disgusting idiosyncrasies and negative stereotypes presented about African Americans.  It shows African Americans as inferior in intellect, hygiene, industry,  and vocabulary among countless other ways.  That makes it racist.
The Betty Butterfield character is the same but Anglo in sunglasses and horrid lip stick. It seems a direct knock off of the Landover Baptist satire character Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian.  Found here: http://www.bettybowers.com/  but again with no redeeming comic qualities but to hold that stereotype up to ridicule. It is unoriginal, arguably plagiarized, freudenschade, Shit.  

TIME TO EAT THE LAMA

The reason this man can and dose do this horrible act of racism , besides a skewed sence of entitlement to oppression and truly lacking a sense of humor, is because WE the community not only condone it but endorse it through our silence. We Allow this evil to exist because we do not speak up against it. Just as a majority of whites pre civil rights moment just accepted that "that is the way it's always been" as an excuse for apathy for the unequal treatment of African Americans.... We look past the right or wrong of a thing  and excuse inaction with freedom of speech and move on.  Inaction condones behavior.  WE CAN AND MUST DO BETTER.    

Unwritten rules

So you were pissed that I broke an unwritten rule of your online group. Then instead of informing me privately of my transgression and telling others on the group that it is being handled  you hold me up to public ridicule..... UNWRITTEN RULES ARE FOR THE PTA,  DEBUTANTES BALL, AND SOME CHURCHES.  

If the rule was as important to the safety of the group as you claim then take proper measures to prevent it from being broken. Lock that feature to admin only. Personally I EXPECTED THE REQUEST TO GO THROUGH THE ADMINS. As it didn’t and no one bothered to place the rules in the description of the group or in a sticky note on the first page... DO NOT JUMP MY SHIT FOR BREAKING IT. Seriously take some responsibility for the group you run. Should I have been a bit more thoughtful? Yes, I could have not assumed that the admins were checking all requests before they were auto granted?  Do I understand that there are privacy issues and that a breech of those could bring consequence  to some members of the board? Absolutely, that is why I assumed such a serious thing was being granted after admin approval. 

TIME TO EAT THE LAMA

All of this is why I apologized in the first place. Given the shit storm, I take it that it is past simple apologies. For the sake of those who need the group I chose to leave it. 

In the end I have enough places to discuss the topics like on this group. This is the only outlet for many of the group members. Logic dictates that I step aside and insure the “safety” of the group for those who only have this one outlet.   Mostly though, I have more than enough REAL drama to put up with internet bull  shit. 

Too Many Lamas

I had forgotten.... how could I have forgotten? I knew this was part of the scene and I knew it was not unusual. It had happened before. Many times before in the past. Why had I not seen it then?  Why had I not run screaming from the building then as my reptile brain was telling me to do now? 

As I sat talking to the hundredth DDD (Dumbfounded Drama-filled Dumass):a bread of Lama similar to the Holstein in copious production of the milk of Drama unkindness  but not as tasty as the STDD (Slut / Tease Drama Doll) breed: I began to get an urge to push them out of my killing range. In fact I began feeling trapped. 

I came to the club, name unimportant,  to see old friends I had not been able to see the whole trip and to wish others a happy Birthday. What had happened was thirty minutes of good conversation then an onslaught of DDDs and STDDs. 

I had forgotten how they sought my opinion. How they crowded around chewing the cud of this break up or that infatuation, shitting gossip and conspiracy theory all over my boots. I hate cleaning conspiracy off my boots.  I must have been some how immune to it back in the day. Somewhere in the past 10 yrs I lost my tolerance for it. Most likely , by the looks of things, my ex got it in the divorce.

SO after being surrounded by lamas I begin to get physically surrounded.... the club filling to MAx occupancy.... or at least the unmovable wall of flesh surrounding me would say.  With no where to go the Lama to my right threatened physical confrontation with their rival I hit a breaking point.

The “little voice” (really a desperate urge) started screaming “kill em all” and the anxiety rose in my gut. I HAD to leave. GO go to jail. 

TIME TO EAT THE LAMA

I chose to be there. I hose to go to this club and I chose to be polite and stay there. I chose not to look at the lamas and tell them in blunt terms to grow the fuck up and leave high school behind. We are responsible for the places we chose to stay. The ONLY two things we control are OUR actions and the ATTITUDE we take those in.  

I chose to get to a quieter place ...talk to a few friends then leave. I can not change a lama but i can tell it to leave or serve it up a big helping of reality. 

STAMPEDE!

It has been a while since I last posted. Mostly because the “heard” has not been running through my neck of the woods too often lately. Things have been interesting and yes there have been issues but nothing too big or too stupid to truly be called a Drama Lama. 

This past weekend that changed. There was a Drama Lama Stampede round these parts.  The weekend ended so depressingly and  started so horrifically bad that it is going to take multiple entrees to serve up this particular feast. 

So bear with me and I will try not to get lost out of order or burn the Lama. As always beans and coleslaw are on the table behind you, Sweet tea is in the pitcher and BYOB. 

Enjoy

Show Calls

There are "show calls" and then there are Show Calls. The kind of show calls I like are the ones that have me returning day after day to the set living the dream and making good money . This mornings show call was not one of those.
Amazing thing about the telephone. bystanders only hear half of the conversation. So If I call information under the guise of calling about a over billing issue or a problem with a teacher OR A PROBLEM WITH MY EX,  those standing around me will only hear what I say and how I react. I can create an impression of how a conversation went. It is a SHOW.  It is a half truth.  It is a deception. It is something that I have been both the audience for and the "victim" of.
This morning my Ex calls me and asked  "I was wondering if you were planning on paying the child support this month". Slightly offended I informed her that it had been paid and I suggest she contact the disbursement unit.  Of corse this lead to her telling me I was acting like an ass and being mean and playing up to whom ever was there. It is meant to create the illusion that i am a combative argumentative asshole that can not be reasoned with . It has me debating the merits of recording all conversations with her.
For the record I have been assessed to pay her $351.35 due on the the 1st of each month by the the Texas courts. She has sent emails stating that I have not paid the "full amount" and that I am delinquent. I suspect she has lead her husband and mother-in-law it is more than that.
TIME TO EAT THE LAMA
"There are no victims , only volunteers" is a slogan i have heard in recovery. It speaks to owning your part and not being the perpetual victim. There is a point of accountability to this Show Call situation.
While I do not intend on getting caught up in all the  drama the SC bring I do have the responsibility of my reaction. Do I simply ignore and not play this game? Allow her to paint what ever picture she wishes to her people. Or do I expose the facts , and just the facts, to all involved?
The clear path is to expose all the facts to the all involved and leave it at that .  The only way to stop the behavior is to take away the rewards.  The only answer to the show call is the truth.

Forceable Downsizing

Recently, due to a lack of good work and mounting bills, I am faced with a limited set of options. Sell off enough of my things to cover the bills till the first of the year or sell off enough things to fit into living at my girlfriends small house.  My family is as straped for cash as everyone else.

Either option leaves me evaluating and liquidating my former life. Little did I know that getting my Ex's things out was really the water breaking on the birth of a new life. It is not just my former married life that has to go but also much of the things accumulated in the rebuilding right after. I am finding that so much of that is either remnants of the past or just ..... unnecessary.

I am also finding out that the things we ascribe "value" to have only the market value in times like these. The 32" TV you bought for $700 is eclipsed by the newer versions that sell for a quarter the cost new. The industrial sewing machin that you bough for $700 , think is worth $500 is really floating the $350 range due to it's "unique brand" and specialty use. Look around you. Your precious STUFF is just that. Stuff, junk , Shit ...... like George Carlin said .

 So we ascribe value to our stuff that in the end is based on sentimental attachment,  fear of loss, or  what we did to get that thing. The hours we spend at work to earn the money we spend to buy the stuff initially put a sacrificial value on our stuff. In other words we sacrificed time and effort to get that flat screen TV, Xbox, House , or Car. We look at value based on perceived value and not intrinsic value.

Intrinsic value, at least for this point, is value based on the utility of the item. All cars get you from point A to point B. There is a utility value in that. A house gives you shelter from the elements and safety.  The basic value of an item is in it's use.  The differences in market value come from perceived values including the ones you place on what you own.

So Why am I upset that I am not getting the amount of $$ for my things that I want? Why is it hurting to let go of the things that I rarely see and never use. What is it that is making me so reluctant to take the rational option of downsizing and moving into my girlfriends place?

Time To Eat the Lama

Since the divorce I have sought to keep the peace taking things that others have though silly and even self destructive to take on. i have moved all of my old house hold into my new apartment after my ex left the country. I have held onto all of her things till the divorce settled them. I have diligently tried to "do the right thing" by my girls and my myself. I have held on to too many things from my past being unable to let them go.
In Recovery there is a concept of god "doing for us what we can not do for ourself". This is a prime example.  I have not been able to clear out all the things from my past. I have been suffering depression and in a state of "survival mode" for far too long. So .... god being god  he dose for me what I been unable to do for myself .... strips away the useless shit to get to a workable place to get on with healing.
I hate having to sell off my stuff. It hurts and makes me feel less than successful. It is however a necessary  pill to swallow.