Cha Cha Cha Changes

What is the goal in life? To be wealthy?  To be loved?  To achieve a status: fame, wealth, power, Family, Love, "Happiness" and then maintain it?  Is a state of "perfection" , however that looks to you, life's goal?
Is then maintaining that happiness in stasis the goal?  What of those arround you?   Finally What the fuck is with all these inane questions?

Life is a struggle against entropy.  It is a constant  fight to thrive aginst decay. The earth likes to reclaim the building blocks we so greedily horde.  Life is not a fan os stasis. Is it any wonder that Change is the norm and we covet the rare, unusual and "perfect moment".

The fact is that change is constant and unrelenting. The world is in a constant state of change. People are in a constant state of change. There is a joke about marriage. Women get married thinking he'll change and men get married thinking she won't.  So what happens when the changes we go through piss off our closest  friends and loved ones.

The last two .... strike that five years have changed me. Having moved to another country and adapting to the more reserved culture, becoming isolated as an immigrant and stay at home father, going through a brutal separation and divorce.  I have gone from a vibrant and ruckus social life to an isolated  family centered existence and back (somewhat) again.  I have become severely depressed and am seeing help in manors that fit.

All of these have left changes and some have left scars. Changes that others may see as bad. Changes exposing weaknesses in my character. They see me change in to a "doormat" for not ripping my exe's head off or assaulting the man she left me for.  They see weakness ing my not calling in favors to have them ostracized from the social and professional world I have sway in. They see cowardess in my quiet suffering of the pains caused me. The do not like what I have become yet even some of hem have been spared wrath by that very aspect of my nature.  They want in short "the old me " back. Problem is the old me is as dead as the life he led.

The changes that I have gone thorough and continue to go through are the changes of recovery from the abuse, neglect, abandonment and trauma that I have been afflicted with. Tell an amputee that you want the old him back and see if he dosn't agree. I want to be happy and more "zen" again. I want to be warm and witty and charming again.    The fact is that until I deal witht he dammage at hand , the emotions i failed to express for fear of harming my daughter I will not be that way. Even after i don't know IF I will return to the same person. Most likely not.

TIME TO EAT THE LAMA
Now before you go thinking that I am just whining poor me. The point is this WE ALL CHANGE.  The only "Perfect stagnation"in in fossils.  Dead cold stone fossils. Living things are either growing or dieing. There is rarely any between time. Change is part of life and while I can not make friend accept what I am going through or the depths at which it has affected OR the time frame it is going to take to recover what is to be recovered: I can understand that they too have suffered a loss. They have lost the "old me" just as sure as I have.  The miss that person. Those with he greatest connection to him are hurt the most. I can not be understanding and forgiving to those that have harmed me and not to my friends who have been supportive. I have to understand that the on going details may be too hard on them and that my reasons for acting the way I do my not be fathomable to them.  In short .... don't change the dressings in front of the family.