The Prayer of Saint Francis

I learned early in life how easy it is to destroy. It wasn't anything I learned at home as my parents were intellectual pacifist. I brought anger, rage, violence and bloodshed with me in my youth. I found it easy. 
As part of the "moment of clarity"  leading to my need to get sober I realized that it is harder to create than destroy, that it is tougher to forgive than avenge. in short, any monkey with a rock can kill but it take a strong man to bring love and peace. Early in my recovery I ran across the prayer of Saint Francis.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

It shaped my spiritual life and set a standard for me to follow. I have sought to bring in conflicts and ( as written) sow love, pardon, faith ,hope , ect.   The part of seeking to console and understand rather than be consoled and understood spoke volumes to me.

I have tried throughout my sober life to understand why another is acting the way they do . Then to use it as a means of acting with love and kindness and not the dark vengeance and rage that threatened my destruction in my youth. 

The St Francis Prayer has driven my reactions to the end of my marriage. I have fruitlessly sought to understand what I now see as the insanity of her psychotic break . To quote the Boomtown Rats

 "And he can see no reasons, 'cause there are no reasons. What reason do you need to be shown?"

To understand the end of my marriage is to simple understand that she wanted out of a hard situation and made herself believe untrue facts to justify it.  I understand instead of being understood and it doesn't help.  It has just turned the pain and rage inward. 

I have sough to keep the peace in the interest of the children only to file for divorce and custody after being forced into a corner. In the end the only "peace" to be had is a submission to what ever it is the girl wants TODAY.  Those that know me know I do not submit willingly. 

I have given and I have pardoned and been left with little but unanswered questions, depression and a preset roll that her man before me was also cast in.  

TIME TO EAT THE LAMA

I have followed the St Francis. Many of my friends have been baffled and outraged at my lack of venom and active pursuit of her destruction. They do not know that to seek vengeance and spiteful animosity is to welcome in the worst part of my past with open arms. To entertain that beast is not to ruin my ex but to butcher her. THAT is not the standard I have set or the standard my children need to have set for them. It leaves me learning how to deal with this rage turned within. 

A Standard, a symbol like a flag held above the solder to identify his country, unit, ect. It was flown above for two reasons in my humble opinion. 

The first is obvious , it was to be seen by all. There is no use for a standard to remain out of site. It is a rallying point and a reminder of who you are and what you serve. it is a set of beliefs and values. Look at the flag. Tell me you are not reminded of freedom and personal responsibility as a citizen.

The second reason is that the standers are a goal set above to remind us that they are unattainable in perfection.  we look up to find them and reach for them but should always remain above us. As in recovery "we strive for spiritual progress not spiritual perfection" .

Following the standards set in the Saint Francis Prayer have served me well in life and at this time of their "failing" they have led me to a clear lesson.  Do not let your rage to turn inward  while maintaining your standards.