Forceable Downsizing

Recently, due to a lack of good work and mounting bills, I am faced with a limited set of options. Sell off enough of my things to cover the bills till the first of the year or sell off enough things to fit into living at my girlfriends small house.  My family is as straped for cash as everyone else.

Either option leaves me evaluating and liquidating my former life. Little did I know that getting my Ex's things out was really the water breaking on the birth of a new life. It is not just my former married life that has to go but also much of the things accumulated in the rebuilding right after. I am finding that so much of that is either remnants of the past or just ..... unnecessary.

I am also finding out that the things we ascribe "value" to have only the market value in times like these. The 32" TV you bought for $700 is eclipsed by the newer versions that sell for a quarter the cost new. The industrial sewing machin that you bough for $700 , think is worth $500 is really floating the $350 range due to it's "unique brand" and specialty use. Look around you. Your precious STUFF is just that. Stuff, junk , Shit ...... like George Carlin said .

 So we ascribe value to our stuff that in the end is based on sentimental attachment,  fear of loss, or  what we did to get that thing. The hours we spend at work to earn the money we spend to buy the stuff initially put a sacrificial value on our stuff. In other words we sacrificed time and effort to get that flat screen TV, Xbox, House , or Car. We look at value based on perceived value and not intrinsic value.

Intrinsic value, at least for this point, is value based on the utility of the item. All cars get you from point A to point B. There is a utility value in that. A house gives you shelter from the elements and safety.  The basic value of an item is in it's use.  The differences in market value come from perceived values including the ones you place on what you own.

So Why am I upset that I am not getting the amount of $$ for my things that I want? Why is it hurting to let go of the things that I rarely see and never use. What is it that is making me so reluctant to take the rational option of downsizing and moving into my girlfriends place?

Time To Eat the Lama

Since the divorce I have sought to keep the peace taking things that others have though silly and even self destructive to take on. i have moved all of my old house hold into my new apartment after my ex left the country. I have held onto all of her things till the divorce settled them. I have diligently tried to "do the right thing" by my girls and my myself. I have held on to too many things from my past being unable to let them go.
In Recovery there is a concept of god "doing for us what we can not do for ourself". This is a prime example.  I have not been able to clear out all the things from my past. I have been suffering depression and in a state of "survival mode" for far too long. So .... god being god  he dose for me what I been unable to do for myself .... strips away the useless shit to get to a workable place to get on with healing.
I hate having to sell off my stuff. It hurts and makes me feel less than successful. It is however a necessary  pill to swallow.

Dyeing for your applause. Death in the Film Industry.

When I came to BC from Texas I found that it seemed EVERYTHING had a certification.  You have to be certified for Arial Boom and scissor lifts to even be a grip in the union here. You have to have an FFE
( entertainment specific electronics license) to run generators.

When I was starting out  in Texas you were expected to get it done with minimal training . That included tying into electrical panels. If you were the gaffer you had been taught by another the "proper" tie in procedure.  You didn't need a special FFE  electricians license to tie in or operate the large diesel generators. You learned it on the job and didn't think twice. They looked at you and said" your doing condor duty , there it is the controls are labeled " and up you went.
At first I felt like certification was just an money scam. To be honest I still think the renewal rules ARE an money thing.   The renewal of training to operate machines that we use so regularly seems a bit excessive

Yesterday my love pointed out this headline on Yahoo news:

'G.I. Joe 2' crew member killed during filming

http://news.yahoo.com/g-joe-2-crew-member-killed-during-filming-211244502.html

After looking into several other news reports it is unclear if he was using a scisor lift

or an arial boom arm "condor" lift. Both of these are subject to certification standards in BC.
The accident happened in New Orleans and I am uncertain of the certification requirements there. It is unclear if the accident was caused by mechanical failure or operator error and I am not going to speculate.   What is clear is that he died in a profession and enviroment I share.

 We in the film industry do what is necessary to get the shot, the scene, the film "in the can". We use high powered machines, work with high voltage  , rig explosives and fire to create exciting visuals for the show. Even in shows without  guns or chase scenes or explosions the technicals require risk. 

Rigging requires going into a sound stage or other shooting area and ,using these types of lifts,  hanging the necessary Green screens, transmats, chains cable and pipe for the over set lighting grids, electrical cable and distribution, and many other items needed to make a sound stage function. 

We take an empty space like this... and turn it into this .... then back again.

It is a massive undertaking and just another day in the film industry. after all we make dreams into reality. 

Time to Eat the Lama

I have spent many 12 hr days either up in a lift rigging or doing the ground work putting in or taking out stages. It is just part of the job I do. There have been many occasions that I have had to look at the job to be done and the limits of the lifts we use and thinking "it should be fine". Other times I have been up in a lift and had to "gut check" when the basket sways a bit more than expected. I have been hurt on set from accidents, none so severe as this thank god. I have had heavy equipment fall on me, had unannounced gunfire ring my ears and had to remain in the "danger zone" during a car explosion.  My part in it all? I chose to be there in those situation doing the job I love.  

Hearing about this tragic death has me both empathizing with the man who died and thinking about how little the general public knows what actually goes into making a movie. Next time you go to a theater wait for the credits and see how many of us worked on it . 

  

Smell the Glamor or My career explained

My ex claimed to the judge at the initial divorce hearing that "he never worked during our marriage". Had she qualified that statement with " worked enough" she may have had some room to defend the statement.  The judge was looking at my tax records at the moment she made the statement.

I could write for days about my ex and our marriage. I am sure that there will be enough entries in this blog about her to come. If she or her friends read this .... suck it up and read the description to the left. What I have to say is mostly based on facts in evidence. I digress.

Today we are talking about my career and how to explain it.  I came to the realization that because of shows like Entertainment Tonight people focus on the "Show" part of show business. The industry sells the glamor and hypes the stars because if you know the name you will be more apt to see the movie. The "Pretty Machine" makes stars and sells them to us. After all ho do you explain any number of reality stars  that don't make movies just messes.

The reality is that it is a business. A cold hard dollars and cents game of profit and box office numbers.  The budget is separated  into what is known as "above the line and below the line" Above the "line" there are the producers , directors,  stars, and sometimes the writers. (Basically the "creative vision and drive of the project")

Then there are the technicians.  Oh so many technicians. Directors of photography, Camera assistants, Hair, Make up , Costumes, Construction and Paint department, Set Decorations , Props, Locations, Visual Effects (FX), Production department and my homes Lighting and Grip department. There can literally be a crew as big as several hundred and as small as ( in "gorila" style film makeing)  10 or less.
I am a Lamp Operator and Grip.

A Lamp Op handles and sets up lighting and power on set. In some areas of the country they set up power distribution and generators as well.  We have to get the lighting right the first time in limited windows of opportunity. A Grip handles any device that controls a light but is not part of the light it's self. They also handle rigging and set safety. The head of the lighting department is the Gaffer. The head of the Grip department is the Key Grip.  These two departments have mirrored departments in Rigging  Gaffer and Rigging Key Grip that set up lighting in a studio prior to the shooting day.

SO,  on any given set there is usually  a core set of Lamp Ops that the Gaffer is comfortable hiring for the full show (called a "show call"). These are usually his "go to guys " and they work repeatedly and regularly with that Gaffer. It is quite like a rock band.  Occasionally there will be a location or need for additional guys for the day. (called a "Day Call").  This is like being a session musician.

As a Lamp op I have risen to Gaffing in my home town,  moved and have had to start over at the bottom. I have show called on major motion pictures and day called on low budget shows. The work is the work. It is the amount of it that is the problem.

My industry is unstable. Movies and Tv show (projects) are dependent on the bottom line. If a producer can make the "same " show in another area cheaper or if the tax incentives are cheaper then they will.  I can't truly blame them. If the cost of production is better in Louisiana then I understand that. If the HST (Harmonized Sales Tax) in BC is repealed and the major tax advantages to shooting there is gone .... why shoot there.  This is the microcosm of the globalization of industry and production. Take a good look this could be your future with production of goods hopping from one "low cost" area to another in order to improve the bottom line.

Add to it that there is a "season". In BC the last one or two months of the year are usually the "winding down"period  and the first one or two the "gearing up " period. That leaves technicians like me unemployed for 2 to 4 months. In a good year with a good amount of work that is a survivable vacation form the 12+ hrs workday the rest of the year.  In a bad year it is catastrophic.

So what is a tech to do? Well the system here in BC is better than some places I have lived. There is Employment Insurance or EI. EI is a fund that you pay into on every hr worked. If you are unemployed you have acess to that fund. It is not the same as in the US. It is common for seasonal workers to take EI in the off season. It is however only a percentage of your regular pay.

I have filed for EI and met the red tape monster. Later today I will be visiting the offices of the productions to get the papers needed for this. In the meantime I am behind in my rent, my other bills are not looking promising and again the ghost of my ex's words come haunting.

In the past I have taken any job that is offered to cover bills. I have worked in a ham stuffing factory. I have worked on a cross dock. I have literally dug ditches for installing irrigation systems. I have worked as a carpenters assistant.  I have worked two jobs at once to provide for my family. I have no problems with work.

I WORK in a "glamorous" industry. I sweat each day on set doing what a colleague called "industrial athletics. I have been injured by falling carts and dropped camera dollies. I have hearing loss from gun shots and explosions.  There will come a day when my joints and body will no longer take this punishment. I already have reoccurring pain in both shoulders, a numb spot in my back and a permanent popping in my neck.  I can only hope to lateral into another category of the industry or even above the line. I have spent a career honing skills that are useless outside the film / photo industry. I am "golden handcuffed" to this work.

When there is work I make a good living thanks to the IATSE union. I have worked on independent films for $100 for a 12 hr day flat. no OT. That means if the day goes into 14 or 16 hours I do not get more.  I was once offered a $50 day in a city 4 hrs away. I "politely" declined.  That is the reality of the industry. Given free reign some producers pay the lowest common denominator , and there is always someone with lower denominators than you. Often kids work for experience alone.  I am lucky to be in the Union and getting the liveing wage it provides .

Time to Eat the Lama
I chose this industry. I chose the hard times and limited options, the long hours and destructive influence on personal lives. I went to school for it  getting a BA in it. I perused it like a crackhead peruses a rock. I love the adrenaline of being on set. I love being a part of a well known project . I love the daily challenges to make the impossible happen. When it is time to leave the industry behind I will do so knowing I was good at my job and full of  incredible stories and good memories.
I came to film to be a filmmaker but found I was uncomfortable with the title. I produced a student film that was destroyed in editing. In retrospect the film was good, it was solid. No academy award winner, after all it was a student film. I made mistakes but I let that experience taint my life in the industry.  I have chosen to pursue a below the line life and not reach for the producers title.  I have gaffed and I have even been 2nd unit Director of photography on a Cans shown short short film.  I have 6 screenplays in their first drafts. Yet I still struggle with the thoughts of being a failure because I am facing hard times in a hard economy. So do I work "enough"..... I work as hard and as much as I can.

The Prayer of Saint Francis

I learned early in life how easy it is to destroy. It wasn't anything I learned at home as my parents were intellectual pacifist. I brought anger, rage, violence and bloodshed with me in my youth. I found it easy. 
As part of the "moment of clarity"  leading to my need to get sober I realized that it is harder to create than destroy, that it is tougher to forgive than avenge. in short, any monkey with a rock can kill but it take a strong man to bring love and peace. Early in my recovery I ran across the prayer of Saint Francis.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

It shaped my spiritual life and set a standard for me to follow. I have sought to bring in conflicts and ( as written) sow love, pardon, faith ,hope , ect.   The part of seeking to console and understand rather than be consoled and understood spoke volumes to me.

I have tried throughout my sober life to understand why another is acting the way they do . Then to use it as a means of acting with love and kindness and not the dark vengeance and rage that threatened my destruction in my youth. 

The St Francis Prayer has driven my reactions to the end of my marriage. I have fruitlessly sought to understand what I now see as the insanity of her psychotic break . To quote the Boomtown Rats

 "And he can see no reasons, 'cause there are no reasons. What reason do you need to be shown?"

To understand the end of my marriage is to simple understand that she wanted out of a hard situation and made herself believe untrue facts to justify it.  I understand instead of being understood and it doesn't help.  It has just turned the pain and rage inward. 

I have sough to keep the peace in the interest of the children only to file for divorce and custody after being forced into a corner. In the end the only "peace" to be had is a submission to what ever it is the girl wants TODAY.  Those that know me know I do not submit willingly. 

I have given and I have pardoned and been left with little but unanswered questions, depression and a preset roll that her man before me was also cast in.  

TIME TO EAT THE LAMA

I have followed the St Francis. Many of my friends have been baffled and outraged at my lack of venom and active pursuit of her destruction. They do not know that to seek vengeance and spiteful animosity is to welcome in the worst part of my past with open arms. To entertain that beast is not to ruin my ex but to butcher her. THAT is not the standard I have set or the standard my children need to have set for them. It leaves me learning how to deal with this rage turned within. 

A Standard, a symbol like a flag held above the solder to identify his country, unit, ect. It was flown above for two reasons in my humble opinion. 

The first is obvious , it was to be seen by all. There is no use for a standard to remain out of site. It is a rallying point and a reminder of who you are and what you serve. it is a set of beliefs and values. Look at the flag. Tell me you are not reminded of freedom and personal responsibility as a citizen.

The second reason is that the standers are a goal set above to remind us that they are unattainable in perfection.  we look up to find them and reach for them but should always remain above us. As in recovery "we strive for spiritual progress not spiritual perfection" .

Following the standards set in the Saint Francis Prayer have served me well in life and at this time of their "failing" they have led me to a clear lesson.  Do not let your rage to turn inward  while maintaining your standards.   

Cha Cha Cha Changes

What is the goal in life? To be wealthy?  To be loved?  To achieve a status: fame, wealth, power, Family, Love, "Happiness" and then maintain it?  Is a state of "perfection" , however that looks to you, life's goal?
Is then maintaining that happiness in stasis the goal?  What of those arround you?   Finally What the fuck is with all these inane questions?

Life is a struggle against entropy.  It is a constant  fight to thrive aginst decay. The earth likes to reclaim the building blocks we so greedily horde.  Life is not a fan os stasis. Is it any wonder that Change is the norm and we covet the rare, unusual and "perfect moment".

The fact is that change is constant and unrelenting. The world is in a constant state of change. People are in a constant state of change. There is a joke about marriage. Women get married thinking he'll change and men get married thinking she won't.  So what happens when the changes we go through piss off our closest  friends and loved ones.

The last two .... strike that five years have changed me. Having moved to another country and adapting to the more reserved culture, becoming isolated as an immigrant and stay at home father, going through a brutal separation and divorce.  I have gone from a vibrant and ruckus social life to an isolated  family centered existence and back (somewhat) again.  I have become severely depressed and am seeing help in manors that fit.

All of these have left changes and some have left scars. Changes that others may see as bad. Changes exposing weaknesses in my character. They see me change in to a "doormat" for not ripping my exe's head off or assaulting the man she left me for.  They see weakness ing my not calling in favors to have them ostracized from the social and professional world I have sway in. They see cowardess in my quiet suffering of the pains caused me. The do not like what I have become yet even some of hem have been spared wrath by that very aspect of my nature.  They want in short "the old me " back. Problem is the old me is as dead as the life he led.

The changes that I have gone thorough and continue to go through are the changes of recovery from the abuse, neglect, abandonment and trauma that I have been afflicted with. Tell an amputee that you want the old him back and see if he dosn't agree. I want to be happy and more "zen" again. I want to be warm and witty and charming again.    The fact is that until I deal witht he dammage at hand , the emotions i failed to express for fear of harming my daughter I will not be that way. Even after i don't know IF I will return to the same person. Most likely not.

TIME TO EAT THE LAMA
Now before you go thinking that I am just whining poor me. The point is this WE ALL CHANGE.  The only "Perfect stagnation"in in fossils.  Dead cold stone fossils. Living things are either growing or dieing. There is rarely any between time. Change is part of life and while I can not make friend accept what I am going through or the depths at which it has affected OR the time frame it is going to take to recover what is to be recovered: I can understand that they too have suffered a loss. They have lost the "old me" just as sure as I have.  The miss that person. Those with he greatest connection to him are hurt the most. I can not be understanding and forgiving to those that have harmed me and not to my friends who have been supportive. I have to understand that the on going details may be too hard on them and that my reasons for acting the way I do my not be fathomable to them.  In short .... don't change the dressings in front of the family.

Anger Management

Apparently, I have not been handling my anger correctly. I have not been screaming at those I feel have wronged me. I have not burned my Ex's abandoned things. These things are not how I was raised to deal with emotions. The issue then becomes that I am "stuffing the emotion" and that is causing it to turn inward.  This apparently is causing depression.
So I have been referred to an Mens Anger Management group. I am hopping that this will help with the issues I have in expressing my anger and feelings. I am not sure yet. I know part of my issues and can name them but have a hard time connecting the path forward. Perhaps I can learn to express my anger at my family and significant others (when they piss me off) in a manner that balances between expression and stuffing.
I know that part of this issue is deep seated in my family structure. My mother , and don't for a second think  I think ill of my mother, has a history of nullifying my feelings with her own. That is to say that if I express any anger or displeasure at her actions attitudes or other things, she immediately throws out the guilt and cries "well i never wanted to upset you". Then my dad gets angry at who ever is pissing her off. The end affect is that no one is allowed to be angry at my mother with few exceptions . Now that is not an all truism . there have been times and incidences that she has not reacted that way but more often than not I have been left feeling that MY ANGER IS NEVER JUSTIFIED.
If boys pattern their girlfriends after their mothers , and apparently I am one that dose, this sense of   indefensible anger has run through EVERY relationship I have had.  Whether or not that is the case. It is not a matter of dose my s.o. being approachable with me being angry I have been programed to reign in the rage through not only years of family dynamic but my own violent youth.
I am in recovery. I have been since my mid teens. As alcoholism and addiction are incurable conditions and as I trace part of it to my biochemical reactions to drugs including those administered under surgical supervision, I will never say that I am "recovered". It is just another facet of who I am.  Shine on you crazy diamond.
In recovery we talk of taking inventories of self in order to rid ourselves of resentments. This works if we have done the work to accept the situations and facts first. Owning our parts in things is a powerful tool to clear up the wreckage of the past when we have torn through lives like tornados and left swaths of victims. Even in sober life we still have to own our parts in the destruction we still may visit on others. Everyone causes pain to others in life. There is no getting out of that.
But is this anger issue about the destruction I have caused or The little boy inside that learned to never express anger and rage in a balanced way?
Time to Eat the Lama
I have anger issues because I didn't learn that there are times when I deserve to have my anger heard when I feel it and in it's raw form. I didn't learn that there is a balance between rage and a healthy expression of anger so instead I lock away the anger and parse out enough of it to be manageable.  I have learned to "keep my mouth shut " to avoid the backlash of my family and significant others.
I have to learn to value myself and trust that my anger is ok to express when I feel it. I have to learn that people deserve to be confronted with my anger in a nondestructive way when they fuck up REALLY badly.

What the Fuck Is a Drama Lama Barbecue

There once was a lama of great renowned. It ranged far and wide groaning here and there.  It was a prolific lama indeed There was only one problem. Where ever the Lama went  lovers quarreled, families fought, and friends spoke no more.  It seemed that this particular Lama had a talent for tumult, a penchant for pandemonium, a disposition for discord.  He was THE Drama Lama.
In a mountain glen the Lama came upon a pack of wolves.  The wolves began to growl at one another. As the Lama approached and began to groan the usual discord he was set upon by the eldest of the pack.
The old wolf knew this beast and the pains it carried with it. With the deftness of a hundred hunts the wolf ripped the Lama into equal pieces and placed one in front of each pack mate.
"Let us each devour our part in this " he told them "and be done with this beast"
"But why would we want to eat this foul meat" said the youngest wolf
"In order to grow from drama we must all accept our part of it "
With that the wolves dined and knew peace.

A Drama Lama Barbecue is simply nuking the drama and parsing out who owns what. Facing it head on and making an end of it. This blog is my Barbecue  I am parsing out the dramas and traumas in my life . IF you are the subject of drama and trauma accept now that i am not going to turn down the heat.  Pull up some potato salad and grab the sauce I have a heard to cook.